As time goes on,you'll understand. What lasts,lasts;what doesn't,doesn't. Time solves most things. And what time can't solve,you have to solve yourself.

Isit possible,in the final analysis,for one human being to achieve perfect understanding of another?

We invest enormous time and energy in serious efforts to know another person,but in the end,how close can we come to that person's essence. We convince ourselves that we know the other person well,but do we really know anything important about anyone?

In the course of life we experience many kinds of pain. Pains of the body and pains of the heart. I know I have experienced pain in many different forms,i'm sure you have too. In most cases though,i'm sure you've found it very difficult to convey the truth of the pain to another person: to explain it in words. People say that only they themselves can understand the pain they are feeling. But is that true? I for one do not believe that is. If before our eyes,we see someone who is truly suffering,we do sometimes feel his suffering and pain as our own. This is the power of empathy.

Dance Dance Dance

"I consider what it means to belong,to become part of something. To have someone cry for me. From someplace distant,so very distant. From,ultimately,a dream. No matter how far i reach out,no matter how fast I run,I'll never make it. Why would anyone want to cry for me?"

"Some people say that's escapism. But that's fine with me. I live my life,you live yours. If you're clear about what you want,then you can live any way you please. I don't give a damn about what people say."

"I used to think the years would go by in order,that you get older one year at a time. But it's not like that. It happens overnight."

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you


No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like to be like me

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more
Before your life is over

It's either I get out of this labyrinth-straight and fast,or I just get trapped in it and lose myself slowly. 

I gotta be firm firm firm firm firm. Need to stop getting wavered so easily.

Be God-centered.

kafka on the shore

"Every one of us is losing something precious to us … Lost opportunities, lost possibilities, feelings we can never get back again.  That’s part of what it means to be alive.  But inside our heads – at least that’s where I imagine it – there’s a little room where we store those memories.  A room like the stacks in this library.  And to understand the workings of our heart we have to keep on making new reference cards.  We have to dust things off every once in a while, let in fresh air, change the water in the flower vases.  In other words, you’ll live for ever in your own private library."

"In dreams begins responsibility"

"It's like Tolstoy said. Happiness is an allegory, unhappiness a story."

“Closing your eyes isn't going to change anything. Nothing's going to disappear just because you can't see what's going on. In fact, things will even be worse the next time you open your eyes. That's the kind of world we live in. Keep your eyes wide open. Only a coward closes his eyes. Closing your eyes and plugging up your ears won't make time stand still.” 

“In everybody’s life there’s a point of no return. And in a very few cases, a point where you can’t go forward anymore. And when we reach that point, all we can do is quietly accept the fact. That’s how we survive.” 

“Most things are forgotten over time. Even the war itself, the life-and-death struggle people went through is now like something from the distant past. We’re so caught up in our everyday lives that events of the past are no longer in orbit around our minds. There are just too many things we have to think about everyday, too many new things we have to learn. But still, no matter how much time passes, no matter what takes place in the interim, there are some things we can never assign to oblivion, memories we can never rub away. They remain with us forever, like a touchstone.” 

Courage.

I wish I could write well.

It's really scary how loneliness can really screw someone up.

I've been defeated by loneliness. Was alone,still alone. I long for attention. I mean who doesn't long for attention. Every legit human being needs ATTENTION. To me,attention shows that at least my presence is acknowledged. I hate it when my presence isn't really acknowledged by anyone. I guess it's all due to the scar inflicted from the past. There're some things that you can never ever get over. Even though i'm lonely and long for attention,I've never thought i'll go to this extent. Sometimes,I don't even know who am I anymore. I've my own values and I know despite any circumstances,I'll still stick to my values no matter what. Because it makes up me,my values make me the Rachael that I am. But I lost all my values in just that moment of impulse. What have I done to the purity that i've held on for so long. Some said that it's curiosity,some said that it's loneliness. I think it's a mixture of both. I'm freaking 19,i need a life in certain other aspects man. But this is not the right way. I'm feel so sorry....towards myself. But i've to admit,i kinda like it but it's wrong. PLAIN WRONG. And guys....they're such sexual creatures. Don't they have some respect towards girls? ALL YOU FUCKING GUYS. IF YOU WANT SEXUAL PLEASURE,GO TO SOME MOTHER FUCKING BROTHEL AND NOT GO AROUND HOOKING UP ON INNOCENT GIRLS AND SCREWING THEIR PURE SELFS UP. then again,i'm being too naive again. i can actually be some fucking naive bitch and trust that you will actually wanna know me more and treat me like a fucking normal decent girl after that night. ya...im too fucking innocent. after everything that has happened,i can still be inclined to trust a guy. i'm gonna be fucking skeptical about what a guy fucking says now. and ya im fucking ugly and u still made out with me. so is there a fucking problem with you too. no wonder u didnt reply my text. ya im a fucking screwed up cheap ugly bitch. all you guys i fucking declare my mother fucking hatred towards you guys. never am i gonna be deceived by yall anymore. all guys are the same,motherfucking sexual creatures. i hope you guys get your fucking karma.

Love/Hate

When loving that person is not an option anymore,all is converted to hatred. 

Because only with hatred,it will at least make one self better.

Fault In Our Stars

"I'm in love with you, and I'm not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. I'm in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we're all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we'll ever have, and I am in love with you.”

“You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world...but you do have some say in who hurts you. I like my choices.” 

"Without pain,how could we know joy."

"My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations."

How do one know if they miss the person or just the memorie

I can't accept the fact that till now,you still feel awkward when you see me? what the fuckery. I should be the one that feels that way man. I admit part of me still miss you secretly. If I've the chance to see you,i'll grab it. But whenever i see you,i'll start feeling that tinge of sadness then my emotions will get stirred up and yes,i'll start becoming an emotional wreck. after so long,i thought i'm fucking over you but just to realise that i'm not. someone told me this "getting used to the person's absence doesn't means not harboring anymore feelings for that person." kinda true. i'm just putting you at the back of my mind,but you're still on my mind anyway. Not remembering doesn't means i've forgotten about it. The thoughts of "what if it's not over,things will be bloody hell different now." Yes it definitely will be. But whats the point of all those what ifs,nothing will change. The present won't be altered,i have lost you cause of my juvenile actions and thoughts. I guess i'm taking this so hard and seriously is because i've never really been yearned by anyone before. Since you're the fucking first,i'm definitely taking this more seriously than ever. As I'm typing this,I suddenly thought of You. You are always there loving me,so why am I seeking Mankind's love that is unworthy,that is unpredictable while You,will never ever forsake me. Cause I'm a fucking human. Human always tend to not appreciate the things that are there for them,humans always choose the hard way out. Mankind is so disgusting...i'm disgusted by this ugly world,including myself.

walao stupid rachael. so do you really think that others treats you seriously?

Thought of going back to church....but idk why,something is just holding me back.  all these while i've still been talking to daddygod,but still......idk why am i not going back to church yet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ugh i hate myself. 

ugly world with ugly truths

unveiled the uglier side of mankind ; realized how weak I actually am.

I thought I'm strong enough....but to realize that i was never strong at all. the umpteenth time that i'm repeating this but i really really detest the fact that i get emotionally attached so easily to anything and everything in this fucking world. I get even get emotionally attached to dramas what the flying fuck seriously. Is there some kind of problem with me? Am i just so deprived and needy that i just want to spill a part of me on everything that i know of? holyshit rachael lim. I really want to not give two fucks about everything. Everytime i see a glimpse of hope.i will just hold on it tightly,because i know for someone like me,hope does not come by easily. I'm a fucking needy girl that gets overjoyed when abit of attention is being showered on me. why? because i don't really get any attention from the society. this is what society does to the outcasted ones. whenever i feel that i'm being longed at that moment,i will just plunge myself towards that someone and again,take things too seriously. Desperate is totally the word for me. No one knows except for myself. If i continue venturing out in this world, i will totally go against my own values sooner or later cause im a bitch that gets influenced too easily. I waver too easily. 

Conclusion: i fucking loathe this world. or rather i fucking loathe this world cause my weak self cant handle the ugly sides of mankind. 

Maybe I've nothing to hold on in the present,leading to myself still holding on to the past.

Bad move rachael. 

Afterall,I guess i just wanted to have something to hold on to.

stupid rachael is stupid.

guess i'm someone that holds on to memories too dearly....
almost did something stupid today...again. but i'm glad i didn't.
dear god,i just want to forget all the past that's not worthy of me remembering.
sometimes,it just hurts too much....maybe because i really treasured it. but that doesn't means that the other party feels the same way too.

The journey is not gonna be easy but i'll persevere-to get the body i want.

Slowly...but surely.

I hate how humans poke their nose into my affairs. Don't tell me they care. Some of them just like to pry into other business and give their piece of mind. But however,i'm utterly sorry to say that I don't need your sacred opinion on how should I be leading my bloody life. I don't care if anyone thinks that i'm living life like the wrecked way solely based on the fact that i've been staying out till the wee hours of the morning. Firstly,i'm having my bloody holidays and i'm just enjoying whilst i can before my internship starts and i've to become the slave of working life for the next 4 months. Secondly,it's not like i'm engaging in some illegal activities outside and neither am i acting like a whore outside fucking with guys or whatsoever. I only do things that my conscience allows. Some people just like to see things the negative and paranoid way. c'mon i'm a fucking teenager,cut me some slack ya motherfuckers. don't make me hate all of you guys.

I require attention,long for passion,and wish to be desired.

Needy and insecure-makes up a part of me.

Honestly,I don't get you.

& I'm pissed.

Now that I'm so free,I should start exercising more.

Yes,I should.

I hate it when my mind and soul sets into the whole emotional phase. Guess it's because i'm currently too free. I'm kinda wishing that my internship can start now cause i hate bumming around like this. I hate the fact that how i feel about myself is often determined by others comment about me. It has always been like that. How can my stand about myself simply waver merely because of some casual remark made by others? I'm unsure of my own worth. Honestly speaking,i dont think i'm quite worthy of anything. But then again,i'm constantly trying to stay positive. Staying positive is the only thing i can do ya? I do not want to wallow in self-pity and be drowning in negative thoughts all day long. Good and positive vibes,and i'm sure good things will be coming along. Slowly but surely. Rach,you shouldn't let others attitude towards you change how your perceive yourself to be. This is something I need to learn. It's not that i don't love myself,mankind makes me otherwise.

I'm just hoping for the best out of everything.

I tried to be gracious, tried to be more open-minded about everything. But I guess I failed eventually. I'd to be one childish bitch to unfollow you on social networking platforms. It's not that I want to do it,but this is my last resort. Every time your picture pops up on instagram, I can't help but to start scrutinizing the picture for the longest time and then comes all the overwhelming memories. Every time your tweets appear on my timeline, I'll try to analyze that few words of you, try my best to decipher what's going on in your life with just that mere few words of yours. As much as I still want to know what you're doing,but i don't think i can stand seeing stuffs concerning you anymore. If this continues, I'll be stuck in this hole forever,i'll never get to find closure.

Just hoping that if you ever find out i had unfollow you, i really didn't want to.  Because,there's no starting over without finding closure.

I give myself another month,i'm sure i'll be fine.

Slowly....but surely :')

FUCK. I'M OFFICIALLY DEPRESSED.

WHEN CAN I EVER GET SUCHA NICE TUMMY LIKE HERS. I THINK THE BEST RESULT I HAVE EVER FOUGHT FOR MY TUMMY IS THE ABOVE PICTURE. AND JUST WHEN I'M FEELING SATISFIED AND PROUD OF MYSELF FOR HAVING QUITE A REASONABLE TUMMY SHAPE......*STARTS BINGING AND HEAD GETTING BIGGER*....2 DAYS LATER.....PIU PIU PIU ALL THE BUI BA ALL LAI LIAO..... D: D: D: NO SELF-CONTROL LA RACHAEL LIM XIN YI. I HATE THE SATISFACTION I GET ONCE I GET PRAISES FROM PEOPLE. LIKE THAT HOW TO ACHIEVE OPTIMUM RESULTS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! OH MY GOD, I THINK I NEED LIKE A PERSONAL MOTIVATOR. 

OKAY THIS IS A SUPER ANGSTY AND HATING POST ON MYSELF. FUCK,THIS IS IT. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO NEXT HA HA HA. CAUSE I THINK IM ALREADY DOING HELL LOT ALREADY. OKAY SHALL SLEEP NOW.

I believe this is the first step to finding closure. I feel like i'm making a big deal of this whole thing. But wells,that's me. I'm the worst when it comes to letting things go. I can't handle my own emotions. I always have the tendency of spilling all my emotions out and very often, screw things up even more. BLAH..... and so.... YUPS,I believe by being a gracious(self proclaimed) person, I'll be able to live a happier and more fulfilling life cause yes, hating someone is indeed tiring. The worst is,deep down, you know you don't really bear any hatred towards the person at all. The hatred that i'm portraying to people and maybe myself, is just for the sake of a fucking word called PRIDE. I'm not a prideful person, but sometimes,you just have to keep that small portion of pride cause that's all that is left of you. I'm someone that don't really take pride that seriously because I believe one should fight for what they want. And in the process of everything, pride is something that should be taken easily upon. Some people just can't fucking put down their pride of theirs and yups,boomz go everything. But for my case, I throw away my pride too easily,way too easily. Back to the topic and so, after much soul-searching and contemplation, I know I don't hate you, maybe a bit of detest and by putting on a i-don't-know-you front,it's just to make myself feel cool about myself cause YAY I ACTUALLY ACTED LIKE I DON'T KNOW YOU. But at the end of the day, you think about it, and you ask yourself,what's the point of doing this actually? You don't really mean it either.....  But i always compare my actions with the other party's action,which is my biggest downfall. I don't have to treat people the way they treat me. If I can ever practise this quote, woah, i think i've reached nirvana HAHA kidding. But anyways, pat on my fucking back for mustering the courage and putting down my pride to drop you a 'still friends" text.  Im hoping that my heart is actually ready for this.

I always tell myself that everything will get better.
Yes I trust that it will.

Distant.

Drawing a line between myself and things will be better.

Maybe I'm just afraid of being hurt all over again.

Please kindly stay away from me.

There were so many of us who would have to live with things done and things left undone on that day. Things that did not go right,things that seemed okay at that point of time because we could not see the future. If only we could see the endless string of consequences that result from our smallest actions. But we can't know better until knowing better is useless.

Imperative to show my resentment towards you to everyone. 

Isit because deep down,I know I don't in the least resent you at all?

Actually I don't know..... I fucking hate you for doing all these to me. And I can't believe that all these shit actually happened. I often question myself "who the fuck are you to do this to me?" I fucking hell deserved better. 

I'm a living example of stupidity. Too blinded. 

But however,it was good while it lasted. That's the first time that I ever felt treasured and loved by someone. Yeah....FELT is the word. It's just something that I personally feel and assumed, maybe it's non-existent in the very first place. 

I feel that i'm loving myself a lil bit by bit more everyday. 

QUOTES

You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth,thinking about how you will escape it one day,and how awesome it will be,and imagining the future that keeps you going,but you never do it. You're just using your future to escape your future - Looking For Alaska.

Sometimes when you're not getting the love you want,giving makes you think you will - The Time Keeper

Those two quotes suffice to explain how i'm feeling all these while. I can't seem to convey my thoughts anymore,I can't find the right words anymore.....