I hate it when my mind and soul sets into the whole emotional phase. Guess it's because i'm currently too free. I'm kinda wishing that my internship can start now cause i hate bumming around like this. I hate the fact that how i feel about myself is often determined by others comment about me. It has always been like that. How can my stand about myself simply waver merely because of some casual remark made by others? I'm unsure of my own worth. Honestly speaking,i dont think i'm quite worthy of anything. But then again,i'm constantly trying to stay positive. Staying positive is the only thing i can do ya? I do not want to wallow in self-pity and be drowning in negative thoughts all day long. Good and positive vibes,and i'm sure good things will be coming along. Slowly but surely. Rach,you shouldn't let others attitude towards you change how your perceive yourself to be. This is something I need to learn. It's not that i don't love myself,mankind makes me otherwise.

I'm just hoping for the best out of everything.

I tried to be gracious, tried to be more open-minded about everything. But I guess I failed eventually. I'd to be one childish bitch to unfollow you on social networking platforms. It's not that I want to do it,but this is my last resort. Every time your picture pops up on instagram, I can't help but to start scrutinizing the picture for the longest time and then comes all the overwhelming memories. Every time your tweets appear on my timeline, I'll try to analyze that few words of you, try my best to decipher what's going on in your life with just that mere few words of yours. As much as I still want to know what you're doing,but i don't think i can stand seeing stuffs concerning you anymore. If this continues, I'll be stuck in this hole forever,i'll never get to find closure.

Just hoping that if you ever find out i had unfollow you, i really didn't want to.  Because,there's no starting over without finding closure.

I give myself another month,i'm sure i'll be fine.

Slowly....but surely :')

FUCK. I'M OFFICIALLY DEPRESSED.

WHEN CAN I EVER GET SUCHA NICE TUMMY LIKE HERS. I THINK THE BEST RESULT I HAVE EVER FOUGHT FOR MY TUMMY IS THE ABOVE PICTURE. AND JUST WHEN I'M FEELING SATISFIED AND PROUD OF MYSELF FOR HAVING QUITE A REASONABLE TUMMY SHAPE......*STARTS BINGING AND HEAD GETTING BIGGER*....2 DAYS LATER.....PIU PIU PIU ALL THE BUI BA ALL LAI LIAO..... D: D: D: NO SELF-CONTROL LA RACHAEL LIM XIN YI. I HATE THE SATISFACTION I GET ONCE I GET PRAISES FROM PEOPLE. LIKE THAT HOW TO ACHIEVE OPTIMUM RESULTS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! OH MY GOD, I THINK I NEED LIKE A PERSONAL MOTIVATOR. 

OKAY THIS IS A SUPER ANGSTY AND HATING POST ON MYSELF. FUCK,THIS IS IT. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO NEXT HA HA HA. CAUSE I THINK IM ALREADY DOING HELL LOT ALREADY. OKAY SHALL SLEEP NOW.

I believe this is the first step to finding closure. I feel like i'm making a big deal of this whole thing. But wells,that's me. I'm the worst when it comes to letting things go. I can't handle my own emotions. I always have the tendency of spilling all my emotions out and very often, screw things up even more. BLAH..... and so.... YUPS,I believe by being a gracious(self proclaimed) person, I'll be able to live a happier and more fulfilling life cause yes, hating someone is indeed tiring. The worst is,deep down, you know you don't really bear any hatred towards the person at all. The hatred that i'm portraying to people and maybe myself, is just for the sake of a fucking word called PRIDE. I'm not a prideful person, but sometimes,you just have to keep that small portion of pride cause that's all that is left of you. I'm someone that don't really take pride that seriously because I believe one should fight for what they want. And in the process of everything, pride is something that should be taken easily upon. Some people just can't fucking put down their pride of theirs and yups,boomz go everything. But for my case, I throw away my pride too easily,way too easily. Back to the topic and so, after much soul-searching and contemplation, I know I don't hate you, maybe a bit of detest and by putting on a i-don't-know-you front,it's just to make myself feel cool about myself cause YAY I ACTUALLY ACTED LIKE I DON'T KNOW YOU. But at the end of the day, you think about it, and you ask yourself,what's the point of doing this actually? You don't really mean it either.....  But i always compare my actions with the other party's action,which is my biggest downfall. I don't have to treat people the way they treat me. If I can ever practise this quote, woah, i think i've reached nirvana HAHA kidding. But anyways, pat on my fucking back for mustering the courage and putting down my pride to drop you a 'still friends" text.  Im hoping that my heart is actually ready for this.

I always tell myself that everything will get better.
Yes I trust that it will.

Distant.

Drawing a line between myself and things will be better.

Maybe I'm just afraid of being hurt all over again.

Please kindly stay away from me.

There were so many of us who would have to live with things done and things left undone on that day. Things that did not go right,things that seemed okay at that point of time because we could not see the future. If only we could see the endless string of consequences that result from our smallest actions. But we can't know better until knowing better is useless.

Imperative to show my resentment towards you to everyone. 

Isit because deep down,I know I don't in the least resent you at all?

Actually I don't know..... I fucking hate you for doing all these to me. And I can't believe that all these shit actually happened. I often question myself "who the fuck are you to do this to me?" I fucking hell deserved better. 

I'm a living example of stupidity. Too blinded. 

But however,it was good while it lasted. That's the first time that I ever felt treasured and loved by someone. Yeah....FELT is the word. It's just something that I personally feel and assumed, maybe it's non-existent in the very first place. 

I feel that i'm loving myself a lil bit by bit more everyday.